this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
