so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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