Umm I'm too high to move.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
