i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
then he tried to convert me to islam
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
