Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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