its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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