she woke up with a sticky ear
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
