Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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