I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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