I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
