I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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