I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
