i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
