watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
