I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
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