she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Randomize
