Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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