I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
