I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
