Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
