Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
