I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
