two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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