She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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