lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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