He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
