my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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