Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
