I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
