i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
