I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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