I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
