Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
why is half of my head shaved?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
