just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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