Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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