I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
