One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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