she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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