Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
