dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
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