New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
