in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
The uberlube is also flammable
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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