So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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