First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
