Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
