You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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