when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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