I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
