Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
