When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
