she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
