I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
